Life

The Long Ride Home….

It’s a Sunday over here on the yard.  The sun has long since been up and regardless of what time I went to sleep last night, past midnight though which just doesn’t happen much for me anymore, I am still an early riser.  The sounds of the chicken’s however got me moving this morning.  The egg laying calls which signal I have slept in, leaves rustling out by the side fence, and just the chatter of my lovely ladies; 16 hen’s and counting.  I can almost feel the season changing into fall-I love the fall most.  This little piece has taken some time to get started.  The coffee had to be made, the dogs fed, the cat let in and out; all of that while I shuffle around the house on my hardwood floors in my slippers.  Not to mention just the fact that my mind wanders from here to yesteryear and back in an instant, sometimes it just wanders into the back-forty with the chicken’s and the sounds of the birds in the trees.

Last weekend I went on an amazing trip, one might say a once in a lifetime trip.  However I have a feeling there will be plenty more once in a lifetimes with him, there have been so many already I stopped counting.  We rode to Los Angeles from Sacramento along the coast and back on his Harley for a concert to remember, one I definitely will.  The music was classic, it was actually called The Classic West; from a time when I was young and the memories were still good, it is still my favorite music.  I know he wondered if I could make it, I knew I could and as I always told him leading up to the trip-it would be him who would have to haul me, I would just be holding on and I did.

I am a crier.  I never was a crier before.  From a very young age I seemed to have shut off emotions altogether.  The means to feel anything for anyone had long since been removed almost out of necessity or second if not first nature, even for myself.  The gift of being in touch with yourself and the capacity it takes to feel all the feelings, the good and bad is something I will never take for granted again. Many years after I found a new way to live a common theme resurfaced from my past.  Did you even care about me?  Did you ever even love me?  The answer was always the same; yes, to the best of my ability.

Gratefully the tears of joy and gratitude constantly flow from my face on a regular basis today and everyday for the life that I live now.  I often times reflect while I am driving alone in the car; I spent so much of my previous life in solitude driving in a car on my way somewhere.  Always thinking.  It’s no wonder that driving is still a time for reflection for me.  Being on the back of a bike was something completely different.  So much so that I came home and started window shopping for my own, but that story will be another day in the future.  The sense of freedom I felt while riding through California was astounding; it literally took my breath away.  There was a lot of healing happening on the back of that bike for me while he hauled me from here to there.

I have managed to do quite of work on me, the inside stuff throughout the years.  What I know is that it will probably never be done, that work of the heart and soul; I am thankful for the knowledge of that.  It is like that onion they speak of, layers.  Sometimes even though you have healed that part, something comes up to remind you of it and you get to do a bit more healing.  If you are lucky enough to look at how it affected you and your choices.

Well on the long ride home I shed a whole layer of that onion just like that along with a quite a few tears.  Maybe it was the scenery?  Maybe it was the company?  Maybe it was both?  More than likely it was just the time it took to get where I needed to be, metaphorically, to let some of my past go.  That trip would take me through quite a bit of my life; on a long desert highway, cool wind in my hair.

I lead a pretty charmed life nowadays, one that is full of love.  I don’t think he will ever have to wonder once if I love him either; my eyes tell a different story today.  In fact no one wonders anymore if the light is on, I can’t stop shining. This little tale started in the wee hours of the morning and ended up taking a hiatus until my return from another ride, just a day trip with friends celebrating life!  My chicken’s are now on their roosts for the night; in fact my own little chicken’s, my daughters, are ready for bed too goodnight.

The Chicken Lady

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Addict · Bloggess · Farmer · Life · Mother · Recovery

The Miracle….

It is a Saturday and my coffee is strong; it always is with my trusty little French press.   I have already been out to the back-40 to feed the 17 chicken’s, we don’t have time for all their names right now but the youngest is named Hope.  She is a Black Copper Maran that will produce the most beautiful chocolate eggs when she is ready.  Hope’s name derived from the fact that she was the only survivor of a shipment of 6 little chicks; she could be called nothing else.   Hope more than likely will be the last little chick I add to my flock for a few years as well, maybe.  You never know what happens in this thing called life; I try my best to stay in the moment, enjoy it all, and take it in stride.  No matter what.

There is this little saying that goes around in the circle that I run in, it is a rather large circle by the way, it is- “don’t leave before the miracle happens.”  Well it took me a long time to figure that one out for myself, but I did finally get it.   What I have found through that process was that I was indeed, “the miracle.”  All the things that happen in my life are the miracles and blessings that I get to enjoy.  I do enjoy them all, even the not so fun moments that I get to learn and grow from.  I might not exactly enjoy them in that moment, but I have learned so much from them; enough to now appreciate them as they come as opportunities to grow from in that moment.  Kind of an epiphany.

My latest little miracle happened a little more than a week ago, very few people know, you know.  In an instant my little life changed, just a bit.  My eldest daughter Marina, who is just 25, showed up on my couch sleeping-alone.  That alone part was the tough part.  You see, Marina is a mother of two.  She has a seriously stable life, career, family, and she had even moved away, with him, and taken my little grandbabies to another town for an opportunity to grow in her chosen field.  Just a bit more about Marina and I, she was removed from my life along with her brothers and sisters in 1999, with good reason for just over 10 long years.  I truly had no clue how much time had passed, that is the life that I had chose and those choices would lead me down a path that I almost didn’t survive.  I did though, I would come up a few times for air, into that circle I spoke of; but I would make the choice to leave a few times before I stayed.

That little saying, “don’t leave before the miracle happens,” I never got it before.  Probably because I just fooled around in that circle and I wasn’t ready-yet.  However, that last shot of air I had proved to be what I needed.  Things were happening in my life and in my children’s lives that I had no clue of at the time; I believe it was a Divine Intervention that brought me back.  I had left that circle again, one more time.  Well my daughter had heard I was alive and heard where I was, she thought.  So Marina, at the young age of 16 ran away to the last place she knew where her mother might be.  She was wrong, I had made the choice to go away again; I was long gone already in so many ways.  I left before the miracle had happened, my child finding me; clean.  That was the miracle-I missed it that time.

Marina on my couch a few weeks ago, that is my miracle today.  She has always had a key, but never really used it; in fact always said she couldn’t find it.  What has transpired over the past week is I am a part- time, full- time grandma again.  She went back and got her babies.  I was able to share with her what it might be like if she didn’t; she was never going to leave them, she is not like I was.  My home is full and my daughter is under my roof for now.  Marina hasn’t been under my roof since she was 6 years old.  I have all three of my daughters in my home, I really just realized that as I typed out these words, I also have two grandsons who have electronics glued to their little hands.  We will work on that part soon enough.  We also have an air mattress, food, and lots of love; thankfully we have two bathrooms too.

The gifts I get around here, that circle I run in, are immeasurable.  The tears of absolute joy and gratitude that fall from my face daily I just can’t describe, they are falling now.  I don’t know how long Marina will be here?  I am just a stop on her journey and ever so grateful that this time when she came looking for me  I was there; in my home waiting for her with no judgments, just love.   The fact that I am here for her now; that is the miracle.  That is my miracle.   I will stay on this journey that I am on, no matter what.  I once pulled a little strip of paper out of a bag that was chosen just for me and that was, “Divine Wisdom Guides You.”  I believe that, so I will just keep going down the road on the path that I am on.

The Chicken Lady

Anthony