It is very cold outside over here in Sacramento, California- or in Roseville that is. The seasons are changing so fast, days into nights and nights into days. My chickens are producing daily and my fat cat Hermes is just getting fatter. Time is continuing to move on. So am I. It has been a hard six months or more- it gets easier and then it doesn’t. I am still mourning what I once had. I’m still mourning the death of my relationship and my best friend. I am still hurting.
I carried a knife before, several actually at different times in my life. I carried them from my past life into my new life. At any given moment I would get myself into situations where a knife was not only needed but expected to be had. I was relied upon. I have always been the one. I am still the one who gets it done -the “it” just looks different now. Whatever it is I still get it done.
My life is so different from those past yesteryear’s and the knives I carried, though now look much different and surely used differently, were usually confiscated by TSA every other flight I have taken when I forgot to check my pockets or purse. Such is life. I lost them. At some point though I surrendered them. I surrendered them to the safety I felt in the relationship with him- the man I loved so – Michael carried a knife.
I recently realized I should probably get a new knife. It makes me feel safe. It’s just me now. I no longer rely upon anyone else to make me feel safe. Or is it allow myself to feel safe with? I don’t know? I tried. Am trying. A knife is easier. I can’t do anything else and don’t want to. My heart still hurts.
I put it down, and pick it up. The feelings that I carried. The illusion of what I thought we would be is fading. I can’t say has faded- it is fading. It’s a process, a slow one. I am so thankful for the time and the memories. The moments that I ponder on and the pictures I still look at sometimes.
I think that is the hardest part? The reason I started to delete the memories as they come. I can’t get over it if I keep looking. It’s like pulling up my Band-Aid to see if it’s still bleeding and causing it to never heal. I am healing. I did save the best pictures though- just for me. I am not sure for how long I will keep them? I have to let go. I would rather not even participate in certain events and things in my life knowing Michael will be there. There is so much in this life I get to participate in and so many people to surround myself with. I don’t have to focus on what is no longer.
Something new is always around the corner- as long as I am willing to keep going and looking. I am willing to keep going and one day I may even be ready to really start looking again. I am not sure anymore what I am looking for? I had it pretty fucking good. I can’t say I want it back- I want better. Is that even possible? The fact is yes it is, as long as I am willing to keep working on me. Everything and anything is possible!
The Chicken Lady