Addict · Addiction · Bloggess · dating · dating life · death · Farmer · Life · Life story · love · Recovery · Uncategorized

The Knife….

It is very cold outside over here in Sacramento, California- or in Roseville that is. The seasons are changing so fast, days into nights and nights into days. My chickens are producing daily and my fat cat Hermes is just getting fatter. Time is continuing to move on. So am I. It has been a hard six months or more- it gets easier and then it doesn’t. I am still mourning what I once had. I’m still mourning the death of my relationship and my best friend. I am still hurting.

I carried a knife before, several actually at different times in my life. I carried them from my past life into my new life. At any given moment I would get myself into situations where a knife was not only needed but expected to be had. I was relied upon. I have always been the one. I am still the one who gets it done -the “it” just looks different now. Whatever it is I still get it done.

My life is so different from those past yesteryear’s and the knives I carried, though now look much different and surely used differently, were usually confiscated by TSA every other flight I have taken when I forgot to check my pockets or purse. Such is life. I lost them. At some point though I surrendered them. I surrendered them to the safety I felt in the relationship with him- the man I loved so – Michael carried a knife.

I recently realized I should probably get a new knife. It makes me feel safe. It’s just me now. I no longer rely upon anyone else to make me feel safe. Or is it allow myself to feel safe with? I don’t know? I tried. Am trying. A knife is easier. I can’t do anything else and don’t want to. My heart still hurts.

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My last knife

I put it down, and pick it up. The feelings that I carried. The illusion of what I thought we would be is fading. I can’t say has faded- it is fading. It’s a process, a slow one. I am so thankful for the time and the memories. The moments that I ponder on and the pictures I still look at sometimes.

I think that is the hardest part? The reason I started to delete the memories as they come. I can’t get over it if I keep looking. It’s like pulling up my Band-Aid to see if it’s still bleeding and causing it to never heal. I am healing. I did save the best pictures though- just for me. I am not sure for how long I will keep them? I have to let go. I would rather not even participate in certain events and things in my life knowing Michael will be there. There is so much in this life I get to participate in and so many people to surround myself with. I don’t have to focus on what is no longer.

Something new is always around the corner- as long as I am willing to keep going and looking. I am willing to keep going and one day I may even be ready to really start looking again. I am not sure anymore what I am looking for? I had it pretty fucking good. I can’t say I want it back- I want better. Is that even possible? The fact is yes it is, as long as I am willing to keep working on me. Everything and anything is possible!

The Chicken Lady16729466_1430041353697421_4332220782866558565_n

Addict · Addiction · Bloggess · dating · dating life · Life · Life story · love · Recovery · single · Uncategorized

The Ridiculous Life of Dating: Swiping Left or Right….

I have the cutest little nook in the back with the chickens now. There is the small mosaic green coffee table and the two red farmhouse chairs that I love to relax on that have traveled with me to three different homes, however will stay at this one when I leave as a gift as I no longer require their use- yes I am already planning my next move. No one sits on the other red chair anymore, it’s just me with my feet perched up while the chickens mill around under me. Well sometimes the roommate sits there too, but our lives are so full it is rarely that we sit together anywhere. I have a spot I can write at that looks out the window to the chickens; it’s a bit un-comfy since the chair I sit at is really just a stool. I prefer just to write in bed with my laptop up on a rather large pillow with the window open just listening to the chickens while Hermes that fat cat stares their way, I don’t need much.

This brings me to companionship. Do I need it, do I really need it? Yes- I do. My companions for now are those chickens, my friends, the cat and the Fellowship that I love so much. I lost my dog Snoopy a while ago but don’t want to get into that right now, for now we are just going to talk about dating. The ominous life of dating at 50. It is very funny I find so hold on and grab some coffee.

I am not sure if I am ready for dating yet? It seems to be very complicated or very easy- whichever way you look at it. Do I swipe left or right? Actually, apparently, I don’t even need to swipe at all. It just comes my way- the offers. Abundant is the word I will use. The propositions have come from everywhere; Florida, Costa Rica- oh Florida will come here by the way and I should really give it a try, Costa Rica just wants to offer me time in paradise where he lives for a week or two. Kentucky wants to fly here to get to know me better; although we actually have met in person I am not ready to know him any better over dinner just yet-yet.

Dinner, I have gone to dinner with a friend. An old friend who was willing to just let it be a dinner with friends- even though years ago that was not his intention. He appreciated the shutdown I gave him when I said I was having coffee with someone back then, he didn’t understand it- he thought it was just coffee. It wasn’t just coffee, but it has become that. He let me know he valued that in a woman and always remembered that about me. So when he appeared there in Southern California with dinner I became willing. Willing for something new and that is to say yes more often. Yes!

Well yes- maybe. It is still mainly no. No to every Tom, Dick and Harry in my inbox. No to the married man we all know. That was a surprise! You never know who is thinking what about you? Did he really think I would say yes to just a weekend getaway no one would know about? I guess he did, that is how much he knew me. I am not her. She, many years ago, would have went. She would have chosen to escape this life and those feelings months ago when the offer was made- even if it was just for a moment. I am not her! I thought we were friends?  I wonder what your friend would have thought about that?

So back to the swiping. I have a dating coach. She has been in retirement for several years, but graciously made her presence again. She suggested Bumble, Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Cream Cheese and Bagels, or was it Coffee and Bagels? I said yes to a month; Biker Planet, sure why not- just one month there too. Facebook even came out with a dating app and it was as if they knew I would be dating again. That was a funny. I am very funny in my own little head to some- even if that some is only me. I make me laugh and smile better than anyone, it just took me a minute to get back there. I am there again and have been for some time.

Let’s chat about Coffee and Bagels, I am pretty sure I was the cream cheese. I think they are a bit elitist? Most from the bay area of the state of California where I reside. If I say yes, we can hang out and even hit the Apple party in November or was it Google? This wonderful app even gave me pointers on how and when to respond. Not too fast now, wait a day or two and the reasons why behind the push notifications. Let’s not forget when to make the first move and to check in and why. Very handsome men in all the apps I have seen, in the past few months I have seen plenty. Biker Planet- Wow. Now I am not too superficial whatsoever, but really. First of all let’s live in reality, I attempt to on a daily basis. All I will say about that app is it was a waste of my time that I will never be able to regain.

Facebook dating has been the most amusing. It was as if it happened overnight and the hounds were released. I can take a pretty picture, but do you see me? Do you know what I am like? No one really knows deep down what I am like- I myself am still learning all the deepest secrets my heart and mind have locked away. The years of torture I endured at my own hands will be the reasons I move out of love. I shed a tear just then while clacking that out; it is wonderful to feel.

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So with the Facebook dating eventually came the people we may know in common, that was only a matter of time I am sure- those Fellowship people. I deleted Facebook dating too within the week. I don’t need Facebook to help me figure out who to date next. I have my friends all over the place making suggestions and offers- people they may know. They deserve the love I have and the very best; how sweet they think that is me. Some of those offers are not bad either, I am just not ready yet.

The yet. I will be ready one day; just not yet. I don’t know when? Waiting for me is all I will be doing for a while and for someone who I find intriguing to ask me out this time. What does my life look like right now?  Work- work on many levels. The internal work, the work- work and the financial work to get me where I want to be one day. As I clack this out I have a grant proposal I am writing simultaneously for my organization on another doc- I am the lead writer now. A little too late and that is OK as well. Also a grant I am researching for a private organization because I have begun freelance writing. I am capable of many things.

The most important thing I have written lately is my resume and my Statement of Qualifications; not my dating profile- although dangit that looks pretty good and I am not giving up there. I have interviewed, have practiced my interview and am even interviewing again this week. I am hopeful. I am hopeful on many levels. I will just keep going and growing. I have made it to fifty, my children are all off on their own and the young child is soaring at this very moment in college with her own independence; an independence I am learning to embrace myself. The dreams I am making happen and will never stop conjuring up. I am loving the new horizons; no matter what. So as I intended to continue on with this dating adventure and quite possibly discuss San Antonio I will have to save that for next time. Maybe when I return? Now the house has just filled with love as so many faces have mingled in for a meal while the music plays in the background. I am present today- so I must go.

The Chicken Lady Coffemeetsbagel_logo18